I have these moods.
I have to admit.
Or as Mr Crisp said:
I am dreaming of a great dark man - but it will always be just a dream.

We of course don't
talk of the same dream
neither of the same person
but we have something in common.

This dream of someone very special.
Who 'd be just the one.

As time goes by I get to know
lots of people.
They are all tangled and mingled up
in their lives -
not mine.

And I wonder
if there is somebody
out there who
can understand me
and love me
as I am.

And who I can
cherish and love
in return.

As time goes by
I am not so sure
if that will happen
at all.

Somebody said to me the week before
You might not find a love again.
But you could settle with
a compromise.

What a suggestion.
A compromise in what?

Outer appearance, gender, behaviour?
I was never good at compromising.
I have to admit that as well.

By the way
I tried myself compromising
in a relationship.
It works but -
It has its limits.

So there you go.
Compromise or stay lonely!
There must be something more
to my life.

I could concentrate
on the professional side
of my life.

Or explore
undiscovered regions
around my habits.

Or gain new
abilities.

But whatever I will do
I can't run away from the fact
that there is no one who
loves me.

Being loved by somebody.
Sounds soft and joyful
and calm.

I wish it will be a dream come true.

Only in 2005 I eventually understood that I was gay.
Yes, gay, not lesbian.
For years I just felt different.
It's interesting to see that you can feel things but can't name them.
But you do things.
Like preferring gay looking or softer guys instead of solid men with the famous shoulder to lean on..




This week was quite a gay week.
Some students of mine being and acting openly gay although from a homophobic social and religious background walked and talked with me. I have never outed myself to students before.
This time I did.

One of them told me how ill he felt until he came out to his parents and environment.
And he recommended to do just the same.
The other one just took my arm and asked me if I would join them for a dance.
I told him jokingly that if I'd lose some pounds in the next decades I may will.

And all of a sudden there was this strong feeling of loss and happiness.

Loss because that once was my very imagination of being gay.
Being part of this very special community.
Happiness because we will be together for some time now.
Teaching and learning German by one common interest:
Let society build itself around us.




While searching for something completely different, some more things were found today:
This picture, a present to me named "Skaska" which means FairyTale in Russian, by a young lady who tried to animate my lesbian side in 2003, but failed. I can't help it but I am and was not interested - in terms of sexuality - in (significantly) younger women.





And this strange cooking receipe from 2004.
By another friend of mine, being a man of age now and always feeling like a lesbian woman.
Once he was a student of the famous Mr. Beuys as well.





Coming Out In 2014 to me is "just" continuing being authentic.